December always come with a bag of many emotions.
It starts with many birthdays, which means celebrations, which also means gifts, which means bankruptcy!
Then comes 9th of December, reminding me that another useful year of my probationary period in this world is over. When others celebrate, my credit card bill get longer and i mourn the lost year.
Then comes Christmas bringing nostalgia of those amazing vacations with family, those carols, the midnight mass and friends. I sulk and rush to the church for a quick prayer. And i sulk again because Christmas just happened with nothing to remember.
Then the new year, or just another day of resolutions and party happens, my December just got over :/
So this year i decided to challenge my comfortably sad routine, and challenge myself.
First thing first, smoke breaks became smokeless-breaks where i walk around office building to restore the lost health (hopefully). Then came lifestyle, where i gave away all that i do not need or might need like unused warm clothes (gave almost all my sweaters away), books that i won’t read again, some friends and some foes. Then came the home, i abandoned my two room apartment and shifted to a single room accommodation which is precisely what i need to sleep at night.
On 8th of December, just before my birthday, i challenged myself, with an adventure sport and decided to travel more and wild. I also decided to spread happiness, directly or indirectly – by spreading warmth in this winter or by making someone smile.
In short, i just decided to start living today, worth remembering tomorrow!
But then it doesn’t end there, it never does, right?
I have two more critical things to handle, on how i express myself and address my fear of love.
To start with i decided to stop talking and start listening. I have been talking too much rubbish in recent days, specifically on twitter, much to mine as well as the readers annoyance. So till i decide on how & what i want to communicate, i will not tweet.
Another challenge is love!
A friend recently said that you become attractive when you are unavailable. Stands true i guess ;).
For years, i stayed away from women after a very bizarre incident in my college days. Something happened and i decided that i wouldn’t want a women in my life at the costs i need to pay. I never considered myself as a boyfriend material, so i thought of relationship as a sour grape. Gradually, the relationship which ‘they’ call love was just an illusion for me. Something which i didn’t need. I never learned the boyfriend etiquette or the do’ & don’ts, but be just brutally honest. I guess my friends (girls) liked it a lot.
Off late, some strange incidents started to happen in a sequence which baffles me. One lead to another, making me think about my no-companion stance. My apprehensions on ‘the emotion’ & honest responses made me look like a moron, most of the time. It was something which ‘they’ were not used to.
But then, the fact is, i don’t understand this world where people speak through words not said and not with the words they say!
I don’t understand what they call a relationship or love. Blame it on my last few years of avoidance. And again, I don’t know how to tackle this!
Having said that, i am okay with the way this December is going, because i did change a lot this December, from what i am to something better & happier.